Friends?

Something that I've had on my mind for a good long while is: friendship (and how incredibly important strong friendships are). More specifically, how to think and act when our friends disappoint or hurt us. In short: What the heck are we suppose to do with unexpected (or even expected) conflict with our friends?!

I guess the beginning of that thought comes down to what I mean when I say, "friend." Am I talking about Facebook "friends" (most of which are actually acquaintances)... No, not really. I'm talking about those people who know you really pretty well. (eg. For me this would be my family and a few very close friends)

OK... So if these people are so close to you, you shouldn't have major conflicts with them... Right?... Wrong. At some point or another everybody will let you down. Hard... (Pretty dark for an "optimistic" blog huh?) Not really... that's life. If we expect to get along with the people close to us all the time and agree on everything, we're setting ourselves up for MAJOR disappointment. That's not to say that we shouldn't try to get along with our friends (and everyone else), but it does mean that, in order to deal with painful conflict, we can't be surprised that it happens, even with the closest of friends. So, what's the point? (drumroll for the conventional 3-point rundown)

1. Expect conflict

Again, at some point in time we all have "falling outs" with our friends. But, that's OK (here comes the "if") IF we recognize where we were in the wrong and try to act out of kindness and understanding to heal the relationship. (Especially if the other person is not being kind or understanding... because if both parties are being stupid-nasty-unkind the relationship will. not. last. And that would really stink on a number of levels...)

2. Differences of opinion and preference are not conflict

We should be friends with people who don't think in the exact same way we do. It's important to have friends that challenge us to get out of our little comfort zones. It seems that we view friendship as just a way to "have fun" and not as a way to grow and learn. We have so much to learn from our friends, even, or especially, when we don't like what they have to say. We should always consider the possibility that we may not be thinking right... and that the differences of opinion that our friends have might be logical and better than the position we're holding. As for difference in preference, other people have great taste that we might not get at first but that can be wonderful if we give it a chance. (Silly example: I use to hate shopping with a passion, but had several friends that liked it and got me use to it and made it fun for me... so now I enjoy it... especially shopping for other people. :)

3. It's OK to change (And let our friends change) 

There's that cliche expression, "You're just not the same person you where when I met you." That aversion to change may very well be a larger component to strained friendships than we give it credit for... and ties in with "point 2". We don't generally go into friendships with a mindset to learn from our friends. So we don't expect change and we don't make room for it. Change is, in fact, an important part of life and learning to better ourselves. If we don't change (and look to change for the better) we stagnate... and our friendships stagnate.

4. Stick with your friends No. Matter. What. (OK, I lied, there are 4 points) 

Don't just drop them. They'll probably re-realize eventually that they actually do like you and like to have you around. It often just takes time... some times an awful lot longer than you wish it did... but it's worth it. Keep up some form of communication. Be more loyal and more kind than you think (or feel) is necessary. That's especially important when we're angry with our friends... from personal experience I know that it's never a good idea to speak (or text, facebook, or email, or write letters) when you're angry. It's always better to wait a bit and say what we know is kind rather than what we're feeling at the moment. Make sure that your friends know that you're committed to sticking with them (whether they like it or not :). Cause that's not the norm. The norm is to be hurt and unwilling to take that hurt and stomach it in order to preserve the friendship.

Admittedly, this all works when both we and our friends are meeting in the middle... but that doesn't always happen... and not every friendship can be salvaged. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, and that we can't be better friends.

So, there are my thoughts... I'd love any feed back you'd like to share. :) Thanks a bunch!
Smiles and hugs!