The Day I Died

Wake up. The alarm is going off AGAIN. I sit up and look in the mirror above my bed. “Good morning,” I mumble groggily. It’s likely I’ll be the only person I’ll hear that from today. Except… Except for my cat, Squeaky, she always says good morning and then jumps up onto the bed to have her morning cuddles. We both need cuddles. It’s the small things.

            The light is coming through the window. It’s 5:30 and the teakettle is on, bubbling up from a whisper to a roar; then “click” and the sound fades. I pour the steaming water into my mug. Nothing beats PG tips tea on a cold morning before a long Monday. It’s back into bed with my tea and my “biscuit,” as the Brits call them, the Book open on my lap and Squeaky by my side. “I have to teach at 8:00,” I remind myself.

            As I walk down the street, I feel the weight of by backpack bearing down on my soul. A bit dramatic, I know, but then I remember that I get to teach at 8:00 and that makes me happy. My students are good kids. Lately though, we had to have the “cellphone talk.” I swear, if I see one more phone out in class… it is going to be the death of me… It is a beautiful day. The early morning sky is blue and fluffy, white clouds drift across the glorious expanse, still tinted pink from the sunrise. I wonder if I’ll see my butterfly today. It is getting a little chilly but I have still seen him. Everywhere I go, a black and orange butterfly. I wonder how many people are attentive enough to see the butterflies. I narrowly avoid running into someone… face glued to his phone… One of these days I’m not going to move, and they’re going to run into me and fall right on their asses… But that’s not what I’m worried about…

            I walk up to the board and start to write. “Me, te, se, nos, os, se. ¿Cuándo usamos estos pronombres?” I look back, see the hand raised and hear the words, “sorry, I wasn’t paying attention…” I just look at her. Do you think I can’t see you? Have we not just talked about this? This will be the death of me. I continue teaching... For those that care… The review is over and people make appointments to meet with me. I love my job! Then it’s back to work… Studying for my grad classes. At least I get to see my friends in the office. I wish I had seen my butterfly.

            My head hurts and my mind is full of thoughts. Mostly about what I should eat for dinner and what a beautiful day it is... letting the rest go for a while… They’ve planted new flowers. I smile as someone walks toward me. Nothing. They just pass by. And they wonder why they’re lonely… The breeze is cool and the sun is warm. Beautiful. I look all around and just soak it in. It doesn’t matter anymore that no one else seems to see it, that few others walk with their eyes in their head and their feet on the ground. I concentrate on what is immediately before me. I have to be careful crossing the streets here. I’m always aware. Always watching. I know that people don’t pay attention, so I must. Down the block I go, along my normal route. I cross by the gas station and go on down the road. I cross over the train tracks. I hate the train tracks. I hate the sound the train makes when you’re close enough to hear it rumble along the tracks. There’s no train now though. I glance up at the sky for a second, and there is my butterfly! “He’s beautiful,” I think as I keep walking and then the engine roar and the impact take me… and as the pavement rises to meet me, I see the cellphone fly from the driver’s hand. This will be the death of me. I am one of the 6,000 pedestrians that died because of distracted driving this year; one of the 15 percent of all casualties in the United States, and you just killed me.

https://www.npr.org/2017/03/30/522085503/2016-saw-a-record-increase-in-pedestrian-deaths

Social Butterfly

            Technology is great! It makes communication nearly instant. Look how far we’ve come: from the dark ages of having to travel and verbally relay news, to having a way to write things down and have them delivered by horseback for a small fee, to having “snail mail” which is a veritable bullet compared to what stage-coach post was, to having e-mail where you can type a letter and it is received almost instantly. Now we have evolved to even higher forms of communication: Facebook, Twitter… the list goes on… all of which allow us to have all the wonders of knowing what people are doing instantly… without the necessity of really caring or genuinely taking time to be involved in their lives...

Now brace yourself for the irony: I’m posing this on a form of social media! Tada! Good for me! I’m another one of those people who is going to commentate on how misused social media is destroying community… and no one is going to care! But, for the people who do read this and don’t dismiss me immediately, here are a couple thoughts worth thinking:

1: Does social media really connect people and make them happy?

            You’re probably aware of the studies coming out that have concluded that social media (Facebook is the particular case in point… and I will narrow my examples to FB cause that’s the social media I use) has the general effect of depressing people. Why? Well, according to an article in the Economist magazine, “using Facebook is associated with jealousy, social tension, isolation and depression.” Being able to see what all our “friends” are doing, all the time, can often wreck mental havoc, especially if you’re going through a real-life rough spot with someone.  There is no escape or ability to get distance from the situation to get perspective if we constantly see post (and particularly pictures) that wind our minds even more tightly around the problems in the relationship. Even apart from drama, we see the cutesy pictures of BFFs, the picturesque family vacations, stories of great concerts…  The general outcome of being flooded with all this, really, personal information, is discontent, jealousy, and because we generally engage in social media on our own, it can lead to feeling isolated, abandoned, and depressed.

2: Why is it SO hard to disconnect?

            Well… we’re afraid of missing out. I know I’ve had a hard time separating myself form social media because I really do want to know how people are who don’t live near by… but I don’t trust them to keep up with me… So, instead of building trust, I social media stalk them… makes loads of sense, I know. There is a doubly negative thing happening here. a) We feel like we’ll miss out if we don’t keep a close eye on what everyone is up to on FB. And b) we feel like we miss out because we’re not doing things with the people we stalk on FB... There’s this constant tension of, “I don’t want to get rid of FB cause I won’t see the pictures or hear what people are up to! … But if I stay on Facebook I will see pictures and hear what people are up to… and I know that often makes me feel inadequate, discontent and lonely.”

3: So what happens now? 

(Well, for one thing I’ll have that song from Evita stuck in my head)

            For many this may mean checking Facebook less often and engaging with the people who are actually around them.  The same study cited in the Economist showed that, “the more [the] volunteers socialized in the real world, the more positive they reported feeling…” There is just something about actually interacting with people. In a world of  “quick and easy” Facebook and other social media has a way of de-personalizing friendships. The time and effort necessary to maintain any solid relationship is often sacrificed for convenience.  “So what about my friends that live across the state, country, world? Social media is the only way I can keep up with them!”  Well, this particular study showed that there was reported satisfaction even just talking on the phone! “But some people don’t like talking on the phone…” Tough luck, it’s a useful skill and something that can be worked on. (I use to hate talking on the phone, but I’ve had to do it to keep up with certain people I know… and it has gotten easier) You can hear the person’s voice and that is a wonderful and incredibly helpful thing. But hey! If the phone doesn’t work out very often there is e-mail and texting. Both of those methods of communication show some thoughtfulness and are a good way of actually finding out what’s going on with someone. Social media typically paints a picture of people’s lives the way they want everyone to see them as, not as they actually are. If you really want to know how someone is actually doing, Facebook stalking is not going to work… For me this all means that I’m pretty much going to cut Facebook from my life. Seems a bit extreme huh? By this point you can probably tell that I am fed up with the fakeness I’ve come to associate with FB, and I’ve come to the point where I can finally pull away from it. I have personally found that the times when I’ve been most content, engaged with people, and productive have been the times where social media was absent in my life… and I figure, that it is pretty universally accepted that the things in life worth having… money, reputation, power, skill, property, happiness… are worth working for… so why not relationships and communication?

Study source:

The Economist:  http://www.economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21583593-using-social-network-seems-make-people-more-miserable-get-life

Extroverted Introverts... Wait, What?

 Being an introvert in an extrovert's world can be quite intimidating at times... And there have been moments where I've been obligated to go to social functions when, quite honestly, I've just wanted to put on my pajamas and hide under the covers. But, (sometimes unfortunately so) that's just not a really realistic option... Or necessarily a good response... Uh oh, here we go again with the "introverts need to change and pretend to be extroverts" speech! Um... not exactly. What I would like to say comes in the form of a couple Q & A bullet points...

• What's the main difference between Introverts and Extroverts?

             Well, the general misconception is that Introverts are shy, socially a bit awkward, and not at all people... people. And then there are the Extroverts. They're typically seen as loud, outgoing, "take charge-ers", with not a shy bone in their body. Both of those (no duh) are stereotypes, and pretty widely accepted ones at that. My very insightful brother summarized it nicely like this: The main difference is where people get their energy. Extroverts (said brother is one) get they're energy from large groups of people (or people in general) and Introverts (yours truly is one) get their energy from thinking and "alone time" or from very small groups of people. It's not that introverts can't put themselves out there and be genuinely interested in people, but it tires them out. Whereas Extroverts leave a people session totally enthused and energized... gosh, it's making me a little tired just thinking bout that. =D Anyhow, something Introverts have to be careful of is spending too much time inside of themselves. (Speaking for we Introverts here) We tend to spend so much time thinking and thinking about our lives and goals that we forget to look beyond ourselves... which is really a form of selfishness. We often expect other people to put themselves out to make us feel comfortable instead of putting some work in and making ourselves (and maybe more importantly, making others feel comfortable). 

• So, how can Introverts avoid their tendency to selfishness and to shut themselves off from other people?

                One way is to use that wonderful ability to be able to think (and often to think pretty clearly) and to use the ability that a lot of Introverts tend to pick up, the ability to read others fairly well, and use it outside of ourselves. How? As people who are often on the fringe (sometimes by our own design) it can be really helpful to include other people who are on the fringe. For me, that is very important. I've been very painfully on quite a few fringes... it's not a very pleasant place to be... So, if it's in my power I tend to "adopt" fringe-dwellers so that they don't have to go through some of the discomfort of not really having anybody as a friend (cause having good friends is important). So, what's the real "HOW" here? As Introverts we've got to make it a habit to look outside of ourselves for ways to use our introverted abilities for the benefit of other people. 

• Um... how on earth does the title tie into all this? 

                Well... some people who have known me throughout my little life have been quite surprised that I'm not an extrovert. So, in some ways I consider myself an "extroverted introvert" or more accurately "an introvert that tries to think outside the box of personal comfort zones" (a bit longer to say, huh?) I want to make sure that I'm clear in saying that I don't want Introverts to "act", to pretend they are energized by people and love a crowd. I am saying that we could to more good than we think we could, just by extending a little effort and inclusion. Introverts who think outside the box have potential to be a huge bridge between extreme Extroversion and extreme Introversion. 

(A helpful tool for getting some ideas of the general  strengths and weaknesses of your personality is the Humanmetrics personality test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
Once you know your four letter personality type (eg. I'm an INFJ), you can look up your personality bio and get some general info... it's not a hard and fast result, but it is a pretty good tool for seeing strengths you might not see and for finding weaknesses to work on.)

The Art & Pleasures of Taking Tea

OK, I stole that title off of the front of a tea book I have...

It's a great little book too. If you ever need a recipe for a tea party... they have a great one for cucumber sandwiches, in fact, I believe I have the dust jacket cover marking the page. In any case, I love tea, and really all that goes with it. Tea cups, china, tea pots, the wonderful "posh-ness" that comes with putting on a tea party... I think everyone needs to have an opportunity to have the feeling of grandeur and importance that getting dressed up and drinking tea entails. :) ... Yeah, and I love little whimsical little things like this too...

These are some of my mom's favorite little things... and following her lead, I've started my own little collection if tea items. When my family and I went on a trip to D.C. and went to Mount Vernon I got a tea cup in Martha Washington's pattern... and got a tea pot in the same pattern the following Christmas.

(The cup on the left)

So, I'm still working on my collection. :) I've got some assorted tea cups some that my parents have given me, some that my friends have given me. They all seem to have a story in someway or another.

So! That's the "paraphernalia of tea"... what about the tea itself? Well, we go through a ton of tea in our house. I generally drink at least a pot of tea... during the summer... and a LOT more in the winter (because I'm always cold). We generally order tea in bulk... and have 3 stashes of it... two in the kitchen and one in a hall closet.

Main stash 

Back up stash

  Back up, back up stash =D

My favorite tea for the morning is called PG Tips. It's a rather strong black tea... that requires sugar and half and half. I also like Strawberry, Raspberry, and Constant Comment... I also like Earl Grey and Irish Breakfast... gosh... I like a bunch more too, but I'll leave it at that for now. I like pretty much all Green Tea. There is a trick to making it though. Depending on the type of green (or white) tea, you don't want to have boiling water. If you have a "fancy" electric tea kettle like this one: 

We use the "white tea" setting for green and white tea (because the green tea setting wasn't quite hot enough) and then steep the tea bags for 2 minutes. If you have a regular tea kettle: 

                                            

Bring the water to a boil then let it sit (off the heat) for 2 minutes and then steep the green (or white tea) for 2 minutes (or for as long as the green tea bag says to steep it, which is usually anywhere from 30 seconds- 2 minutes). 

For black tea, boil the water and let the tea steep for anywhere from 4-5 minutes.  (yeah, I do black tea more often, cause it's a bit less complicated... and I'm a little lazy. :) 

Well, I hope the next time you need to relax or add a bit of "posh-ness" in your day, you make a cup of tea and snuggle up with it's wonderfully, comforting warmth and yummy-ness. :)

Friends?

Something that I've had on my mind for a good long while is: friendship (and how incredibly important strong friendships are). More specifically, how to think and act when our friends disappoint or hurt us. In short: What the heck are we suppose to do with unexpected (or even expected) conflict with our friends?!

I guess the beginning of that thought comes down to what I mean when I say, "friend." Am I talking about Facebook "friends" (most of which are actually acquaintances)... No, not really. I'm talking about those people who know you really pretty well. (eg. For me this would be my family and a few very close friends)

OK... So if these people are so close to you, you shouldn't have major conflicts with them... Right?... Wrong. At some point or another everybody will let you down. Hard... (Pretty dark for an "optimistic" blog huh?) Not really... that's life. If we expect to get along with the people close to us all the time and agree on everything, we're setting ourselves up for MAJOR disappointment. That's not to say that we shouldn't try to get along with our friends (and everyone else), but it does mean that, in order to deal with painful conflict, we can't be surprised that it happens, even with the closest of friends. So, what's the point? (drumroll for the conventional 3-point rundown)

1. Expect conflict

Again, at some point in time we all have "falling outs" with our friends. But, that's OK (here comes the "if") IF we recognize where we were in the wrong and try to act out of kindness and understanding to heal the relationship. (Especially if the other person is not being kind or understanding... because if both parties are being stupid-nasty-unkind the relationship will. not. last. And that would really stink on a number of levels...)

2. Differences of opinion and preference are not conflict

We should be friends with people who don't think in the exact same way we do. It's important to have friends that challenge us to get out of our little comfort zones. It seems that we view friendship as just a way to "have fun" and not as a way to grow and learn. We have so much to learn from our friends, even, or especially, when we don't like what they have to say. We should always consider the possibility that we may not be thinking right... and that the differences of opinion that our friends have might be logical and better than the position we're holding. As for difference in preference, other people have great taste that we might not get at first but that can be wonderful if we give it a chance. (Silly example: I use to hate shopping with a passion, but had several friends that liked it and got me use to it and made it fun for me... so now I enjoy it... especially shopping for other people. :)

3. It's OK to change (And let our friends change) 

There's that cliche expression, "You're just not the same person you where when I met you." That aversion to change may very well be a larger component to strained friendships than we give it credit for... and ties in with "point 2". We don't generally go into friendships with a mindset to learn from our friends. So we don't expect change and we don't make room for it. Change is, in fact, an important part of life and learning to better ourselves. If we don't change (and look to change for the better) we stagnate... and our friendships stagnate.

4. Stick with your friends No. Matter. What. (OK, I lied, there are 4 points) 

Don't just drop them. They'll probably re-realize eventually that they actually do like you and like to have you around. It often just takes time... some times an awful lot longer than you wish it did... but it's worth it. Keep up some form of communication. Be more loyal and more kind than you think (or feel) is necessary. That's especially important when we're angry with our friends... from personal experience I know that it's never a good idea to speak (or text, facebook, or email, or write letters) when you're angry. It's always better to wait a bit and say what we know is kind rather than what we're feeling at the moment. Make sure that your friends know that you're committed to sticking with them (whether they like it or not :). Cause that's not the norm. The norm is to be hurt and unwilling to take that hurt and stomach it in order to preserve the friendship.

Admittedly, this all works when both we and our friends are meeting in the middle... but that doesn't always happen... and not every friendship can be salvaged. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, and that we can't be better friends.

So, there are my thoughts... I'd love any feed back you'd like to share. :) Thanks a bunch!
Smiles and hugs!

Sunshine, Daisies, Butter Mellow...

(You Harry Potter fans should get that title reference) Anyway, among the multitude of things I like to do... I love being outside and photographing the pretty things I come across. Right now the summer flowers are in full bloom.

There was a Phenix Moth on our butterfly bush!!!

Smiles and little yellow flowers and wagon wheels!

Everything Has a Beginning...

Some times all you need is a little splash of color to brighten your day. So, hopefully, this will provide a little color, a little smile to get you through. :)

For a while now I've been leaving little "Rainbow Post-its" around... just in random places... mostly around a college campus, on the off chance that it might bring a smile to someone. This kind of thing sounds really hokey to a lot of people and I've had some people deface some of my post-its, but the post-its have made a difference to some people. In any case, my thinking is that, I've been an outsider enough to know that it's a hard place to be and to wish that someone would extend kindness to me... so this is just a small extension of kindness so that maybe someone will be a bit better off and have a little encouragement... and not have to go through hard things by themselves, as I have. 

So, that's the goal of having this place: to bring a smile and to share some encouraging and challenging things... in the end, to spread some kindness and share thoughts.

All the Best!!!